My wife and I have been married for seven years and we have two children. We have had a good relationship, but I noticed that she was coming home late. There was a time she came home in the morning and I asked her to get out of my house. It’s been four months since she moved out even though she comes home to visit the children. She wants to come back, but I’m still not ready. -Henry
Achokis
Hi Henry. Thank you for reaching out. Four months apart is rather a long time. It would be interesting to know what happened that made your wife to go out. Is this a habit that she had from the beginning or is it something that just started the other day?
If it is something that was picked along the way, what could have caused it? Was it friends, work, neglect, unhappiness, among others. What kind of friends does she have? What season is she in her life? It will be important to find out why and this can only be done through a dialogue.
Dig deeper
Sometimes we are quick to blame our spouse, yet we don’t seek to understand why they are behaving in a certain way. It may be that it is us who push our spouse away by either neglecting them or not being there for them when they need us. It could be that she’s going through something and finds that the only way to release steam. Telling her to get out of your house can be triggering. She may wonder if you are telling her that because you earn more than her, or you don’t love or care for her any more. It may make her feel insecure.
Please note that we are not advocating for her bad behaviour, but unless and until we find out the root cause of some of these behaviours, we may not properly deal with it.
You both need to change
Locking her out of your life might not be advisable for now—remember she’s still the mother of your children. You may need to sit down and talk before making any decision whether or not to take her back. You need to give her a chance, maybe she has realised her mistake and like the prodigal son is returning home.
But don’t just take her back in and not deal with the reasons that led to her behaviour and her walking out. You need to also clarify if she’s just coming back because of the children or if she genuinely wants to change and make the marriage work. You may need to establish if she’s truly sorry for her behaviour and is willing to change.
You too need to change the things, if any, on your side that have contributed to her behaviour. It takes two to tango. If the two of you cannot be able to have a structured dialogue, you may need to involve the help of a counsellor or trusted friend.
The writers are marriage and relationship coaches
