I’m caught up in a secret world of emotional affair

By , K24 Digital
On Mon, 19 Aug, 2019 08:00 | 2 mins read
Emotional affair. Photo/Courtesy

Hi Achokis,

I have been happily married for the last 15 years. The problem is, there is this man from the church where we fellowship, who I’ve developed an attraction to. I didn’t mean to and I’ve tried not to entertain those feelings.

This man has never made a move at me, or anything. But my husband thinks he talks to me a little too much, though he doesn’t suspect anything.

I find myself looking forward to seeing him and dressing up for church. It makes me hate myself. I hate the fact that I may be having an emotional affair. What do I do ?

Our take

Many people think that when everything is going on well in their marriage or if they are religious, then they can’t get attracted to someone else. We believe that attraction can only happen if we are unhappy, or lacking something in our marriage. But that’s not the case. 

It’s normal

First, realise there’s nothing wrong with you being attracted to this man. It can happen to anybody, even those who are happily married.

This happens, especially if you meet someone who pushes all the right buttons. Being attracted to someone other than your spouse is normal — what you do with that attraction is what matters. So, you cannot blame yourself for being tempted, neither is there something wrong with your marriage.

When we are attracted to someone else, the worst thing we can do is to then assume that we are unhappy with our marriage. That makes us start  doubting our marriage even more, or even look for things that are wrong with our marriage. 

So what do you do? Stop fantasising or dreaming about this guy. The battle will be won in your mind; watch your thoughts.

We choose what to think about, we have control over our thoughts and as much as you might be enjoying those thoughts since infatuation can be fun, fight them. Focus instead on your husband.

What excites you about your hubby? Dwell on those thoughts. Flirt with him and fantasise him. 


Don’t convince yourself this man can be an awesome husband. What you are seeing now are only his good points, but you really don’t know him. What if he is not what he appears to be? Don’t text him for whatever reasons and resist the temptation to go where he is or be around him.

Worst case scenario may mean convincing your husband to another church. If you have a good trusted female friend who will not judge you, confide in her and let her hold you accountable. 

The writers are marriage and relationship coaches. [email protected]