Nearly every adult on the planet has a past in the romance department. Yes, the person you’re dating had a companion or two before you unless they’ve committed to a life of celibacy until marriage.
In fact, a study that looked at sexual behaviour in the United States spanning five decades found that almost all adults have sex before they marry, so your new sweetheart is likely experienced in the sex department. Some may have been fruitless hook-ups, while others may have blossomed into long-term connections that didn’t pan out, hence your emergence in their lives.
Entering into a new relationship or even a promising talking stage with someone who has had numerous intimate partners can spark some intimidation. However, experts warn against dwelling on these feelings. “This will only lead to unhealthy comparisons. The comparisons will pave the way for a lot of insecurities and self-doubt,” warned psychologist Ridhi Golechha.
We know this may be easier said than done. Though, if you’re willing to put in the work, there are ways to combat the jealousy that comes with knowing your significant other has had many past bedroom mates.
Don’t walk on eggshells
Be honest about how many is too many for you. Determining what qualifies as too many sexual partners is up to the individual. Every person can decide what they will and will not accept in a relationship. Some may be perfectly fine with a person who has had many sexual partners, and others may see it as a dealbreaker.
However, a high number of past partners doesn’t immediately point to promiscuity. In fact, one study found that having multiple past sex partners did not influence a person’s odds of marriage. Still, if you cannot move beyond prior sexcapades, it’s essential to communicate that. In some cases, you may even need to end things for good.
“Only you know how many previous encounters make you uncomfortable. Were these spontaneous flings, or were there emotional connections involved? These types of questions are important, because they could hint at what to expect from them,” the psychologist says. If they’ve had multiple hook-ups with no attachment, that may signal they aren’t interested in a long-term commitment. If you want to be sure about their intentions, try no kissing for three months. While it may sound unhinged, this can show you whether or not your new love sees you as another sex object or a potential bride or groom.
These are conversations that should have, especially if the thought of a busy past makes you jealous. This goes for both men and women. Stop walking on eggshells in your relationship and get into the sex talk, even if it’s slightly awkward.
Conquer your own insecurities
If you’re feeling jealous about your partner having multiple sex partners, ask yourself why. Does this bother you because you aren’t confident in your ability to please them? Are you fearful that your significant other may leave you for someone they’ve had more fun with? Maybe you’ve been cheated on and that is a constant concern.
Couple therapist, Alysha Jeney, says too much insecurity, which fuels jealousy, can destroy a perfectly healthy relationship. “This can create defensiveness that pushes people away and robs us of the opportunity of ever letting anyone truly in,” she explains.
Doing too much digging into your partner’s sexual history can only fuel jealousy and leave you feeling down about yourself. As a best practice, reflect on your own exes. Just as you’d want someone you’re dating to overlook certain things, you should offer that same grace. In the end, find solace in the fact that a new relationship means a fresh start for both parties involved.
Also, an experienced sexual history could be an opportunity to explore. In terms of your partner having a colourful sexual history, you can choose to look at your glass half empty or half full. Say, for instance, you are not the most experienced in the bedroom. This could be an excellent opportunity to explore something new.
Licensed clinical psychologist and relationship expert Dr Mark Borg says embracing this aspect could draw lovers closer. “Having a partner with an interesting sex life in their history can result in you two joining each other in an ongoing sexual adventure now,” Borg explains.
This is because over time, sex can become boring or routine in a relationship. It’s important to spice things up in the bedroom from time to time. Having a partner who has had various types of sexual encounters can be helpful. A few unexplored tricks can keep things interesting.
Manage your feelings
To begin managing your feelings, remember that your partner chose you. You are the one they are in a relationship with, not any of the past partners. If you trust your bae to remain faithful in the relationship or follow whatever ground rules the two of you have decided on, it’s essential to treat them as trustworthy.
It is, especially important to take time to reflect on how much you trust your partner. If trust isn’t present in your relationship, that is a much larger underlying issue that needs to be addressed before tackling feelings of jealousy.
Communicating your feelings to your partner can help relieve some of your worry surrounding his/her sexual history. It’s essential to communicate with them without accusing or judging. Remember, you trust your bae to be faithful; the discussion isn’t about her behaviour. It’s about your feelings. Focus on telling your girlfriend how you want affection and loyalty communicated in your relationship.
