Hi Achokis. I’m single and in my mid-40s. There’s too much pressure from my family and friends that I should get married. My mother, in particular, is very stressed seeing that I’m still unmarried at my age.
My problem is that I don’t feel the need to get married. I love my space and my independence and wonder if I can manage to live with someone else. I’ve dated several women, but I’m yet to find a wife material. Is there something wrong with me or is this normal? Please advise!
Thank you, Sam, for being honest. So often, as relationship coaches, people usually ask us why men fear commitment, and you have answered part of it.
We are aware that many senior singles like you are under intense pressure to get married. Many innuendos are thrown at you in family gatherings and insensitive comments targeted at you can make you feel uncomfortable. So, you either bow down to pressure and get married, or rebel and keep off family gatherings.
To get married or not is an individual choice. One should get married when they feel ready, find the right person and know why they are getting married. Failure to understand clearly these three points is what is leading to a lot of marital breakdowns in our society.
You are normal and okay. People at your age have learned to be so independent that unfortunately, they find it hard to even imagine someone coming into their space. They fear losing their independence. On one side, it is good if you know what you want and don’t want.
There’s no point in bringing someone into your life, then start struggling with them because you feel they are intruding into your space.
On the other hand, could it be that you are too selfish? Could it be that there’s something you are afraid of? Are you haunted by some bad memories concerning marriage that you either saw growing up or from what your friends and relatives have experienced? If it is the latter, then you need to get some help.
Are you prepared to age alone?
Secondly, people with perfectionist tendencies fear making a mistake and this can keep them away from committing to marry. You say that you have not found wife-material. What does this wife material look like? Is it just some utopia you are looking for?
Nobody is perfect and you are not going to get everything you are looking for in one particular person. You may find some and miss others. You need to ask yourself, which ones are non-negotiables and which ones you can live with. It’s also unfair to judge someone before giving them a chance. This too needs to be checked.
The big question you need to ask yourself is whether you prepared to age alone? You may be okay now, but one needs to consider what the future will look like alone. You will need someone to do life with and to keep each other company in your sunset years.
The writers are marriage and relationship coaches