Barnabas & Grace Achoki
Hi Achokis.
I have been married for 17 years. We have two children— a son and a daughter. The girl is the first born.
My problem is that she gets away with so many things. My husband does not question her and instead allows her to go against what I advise her.
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Recently, she came home in a short mini and a crop top. Her belly button was exposed and I noticed she had pierced it and also have a tattoo.
How far is too far? I can’t even go with her at public functions, leave alone church. Am I too analogue? I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.
Our take
Parenting in the 21st century can be challenging. Yes, times have changed and with that, many things have changed. But what should always remain constant is our character and values.
If agreed upon family values are violated by one member, then it is important that parents intervene.
Parents should be more concerned with their children’s character more than how they look. If they are respectful and not disobedient, that’s what is important.
There are two important issues for you to note. One concerns your husband and the other your daughter. As far as your husband is concerned, what is evident from your question is that you have different parenting styles.
Depending on how we have been brought up and our personalities, we can either be authoritarian in our parenting style or permissive. You seem to be the authoritarian one while your husband is the permissive type.
You need to accept your differences and then see how you can work as a team. Don’t forget that father-daughter relationship is also at play here.
Understand your daughter
Concerning your daughter, you need to realise that she has grown— she is now a teenager and no longer a child. She is trying to find her own space, her own identity and independence from you.
She is now more conscious of how she looks and wants to fit in among her friends. You must also keenly observe her and listen attentively to what she keeps complaining about.
She may be seeking your attention by reacting in this way. As her mother, seek to build a bridge and not a rift. Befriend her.
Sometimes, parents make a mistake of dictating to their children what they want or don’t want instead of reasoning with them. Respect her opinion even though you might not agree with her.
Deal with your insecurities— they may be the reason for all this. Don’t be ashamed to be seen with her. Show her you love her irrespective of the things she does. She is still your daughter.
Be concerned about her. Our children know when we are genuinely concerned about them.
