Hi Achokis. I have been married for seven years with two children, a boy and a girl. I live and work in Nairobi, but my wife and children are in Mombasa. Ours is a long distance relationship. I get to see my wife and children every two weeks. My children aged six and five years keep talking about this certain ‘uncle’ who is very nice to them. Whenever they bring up these stories, I’ve noticed my wife quickly changes the topic or is uncomfortable. I’ve also noticed a difference in how she dresses and takes care of herself. She’s even putting on make-up and wearing short dresses that she never used to do. I’m getting a bit suspicious that something is going on behind my back. I don’t know how to confront her. What if my suspicions are wrong? What should I do or not do seeing that this thing is stressing me? Please advice.
-Ben
Thank you Ben for reaching out for help. Trust is the foundation of any relationship and whenever that trust is broken, or there’s a suspicion like in your case, it’s difficult for the relationship to continue being intimate as before. This suspicion may be heightened in a long distance relationship. The things you have noticed have made you suspicious of your wife. You don’t have any proof as yet and so, you should not jump into any conclusions. Yes you might be wrong, so you need to approach this thing carefully. At the same time, you can’t allow this suspicion to linger for long because it might just mess you and your relationship up unless you are waiting to gather more information. You indeed find yourself in a catch 22 situation To confront or not to confront.
It will affect how you relate
Not confronting her leaves you in a space of continued suspicion. This will affect how you relate to your wife. You may become withdrawn, or may find yourself being repulsive because of the turmoil within you. With time, she will begin to notice your strange behaviour towards her and may also react. This will definitely affect your relationship. You may find yourself doing things you never thought you would do such as snooping on her phone. Whereas this is something you might need to consider to ascertain your fears, it may also backfire on you if she finds out.
So, the best thing to do is to confront the situation. Approach it in a casual manner. Don’t make it serious, direct, or jump into conclusion. In a joking way, you may want to find out about this “certain uncle” that the children keep talking about. Who is he to her? Be vulnerable with her and let her know your fears. This may open you both to some serious conversations. Look out for her reactions, facial expressions, body language and consistency to the answers to your questions. By asking those questions and talking about your fears, you might just make her realise what you know and make her stop it if at all there’s something going on.
The writers are marriage and relationship coaches
