Help, I need to end 2-year affair with my friend’s wife: Nairobi banker

Hi, my name is James a 28-year-old banker in Nairobi. I am in dilemma. I am secretly dating my friend's wife, 30. My friend, a financial advisor in Nairobi, is 31 years old. I knew him in campus 10 years ago. He wedded in 2018. I knew his wife through him in 2016. His wife and I would exchange harmless compliments, until June 2018, when we began flirting heavily. 2 months later, she confessed she had feelings for me, I too did. Since then, we have been occasionally meeting secretly out of Nairobi, where we both work and live. We have spent holidays in Mombasa, Lamu and even Diani. Her husband doesn't suspect anything, but I fear our affair could soon be known. We have had sexual intimacy several times, and I feel guilty that I am betraying my friend, who has been there for me every time I am in financial need. Sometimes I feel like quitting the affair, but his wife, a communications officer at a Nairobi firm, manages to convince me not to. Sometimes I feel like confessing to my friend, but I fear the consequences. Help, what should I do?

John Kanyoni, counsellor and facilitator at Transform Nations

“Dear James, it is good to know you are realising what you should stand for. Your dilemma is not only unique to you. It is, actually, a dangerous web that has trapped many young men in the modern age. The question is: ‘Would you rather hurt the woman or your friend?’ Remember, your friend came first, and if you value the friendship, you, definitely, know who to prioritise.

“Something else, do not end the affair abruptly. That could lead to suicidal ideation by either of the parties. Make the woman understand the situation and discuss with her how to break the relationship.” 

Mbugua Mumbi, life coach

“Whatever is going on between you and the woman can only be described as ungodly and immoral. Why should you live like a scavenger yet you can hunt the fattest of preys?

“James, you could be having low self-esteem which could have something to do with how you were brought up. You need to evaluate your situation based on the temporary pleasures versus the long-term consequences, which I can assure you, will be unbearable.”

Beatrice Muraguri, marriage counsellor

“There is no game with no rules, and, James, you need to revisit the rules of this little game. You are finally becoming aware of yourself, and both of you need to move away from the denial stage to accepting that your affair is coming to an end. How the break-up will be conducted, depends on how old the affair is, and the emotional investment you have put in. If either of you invested financially, then you or your friend’s wife will, surely, feel wasted.

“Any woman who engages in an affair is the loser. An unfaithful woman stops being beautiful, and becomes a liability. And to the men out there, hiding your wives from your friends, is of no importance. Just empower her to be able to handle in the right manner the attention directed her way."

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