Barnabas & Grace Achoki
Hi Achokis. I’m a single mum in my mid-30s. I have been in a relationship for two years. My guy is in his early 40s and is divorced with three children. His ex-wife has the custody of the children.
He told me he left his wife because she was cruel to him. But of late I have noted some red flags. He promised me that he would take care of my child and I, but I recently discovered that he isn’t even taking care of his children from his previous marriage.
Also, his behaviour is suspicious, as he doesn’t want me to know certain things about his previous marriage. He is pressing me we get married, but I don’t feel comfortable to do so. Could it be that I’m just afraid? I’m confused, please help!
Marriage is not something to be taken lightly. If you have any doubts concerning this man, the best thing to do is to hold on until you are sure and all your doubts are settled.
It is always good to reflect on one’s past as it has the potential of influencing our present and future. Divorce is not an easy thing and so often, people just move on without dealing with the issues that led to the divorce.
We are not saying that divorced people shouldn’t move on into new relationships and that one shouldn’t date a divorcée. What we are saying is that dating and entering into courtship with a divorcée might require a lot more caution.
The fact that you have noticed certain things — red flags that are making you put breaks on the relationship is good enough for you to stop and think twice.
Yes, you could have discovered that he is not taking care of his children from his previous marriage, but is this from a reliable source?
Depending on how their relationship ended, one may want to spoil for the other; so you need to be sure. It is important to confront him with your concerns and check how he reacts.
An outside perspective is needed here as you need someone you trust to help you process this. You need someone who will help you be more objective and to see things clearly as usually when one is madly in love, they tend to be blind to certain things.
They say love is blind, but marriage is the eye-opener— you don’t want to open your eyes on the other side and find that you were duped.
It is also important for him to seek counselling and this might just help him see and deal with those areas of his life that need healing.
He might not be aware of or have dealt with those things, which led to his divorce. If he is not for this, and you are still suspicious of him, don’t allow yourself to come under undue pressure to get married.